And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
