matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
