Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
