I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
