im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
