I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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