My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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