Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
