I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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