My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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