I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
