just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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