Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
