he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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