fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
