what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
