I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
