EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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