Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
