Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
