Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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