dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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