There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize