Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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