i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
