I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
