hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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