i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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