soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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