YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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