Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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