By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
