I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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