Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
