You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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