Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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