i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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