when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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