The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize