Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
