My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
