We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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