she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i think my cat just said my name.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
