is your mom at the bar?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
