so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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