So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
