On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she looked like the before picture.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
