So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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