I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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