I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
