I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
