You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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