Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
