My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
