I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
