Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize