Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
