The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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