if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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