I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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