I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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