Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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