"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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